The struggle is real. It’s day one of the diet y’all. Ok, I have no idea why I went all American on you there but I haven’t had sugar in a few hours so let’s blame it on withdrawals. Here’s a little timeline of my thoughts during the all important first day of my diet.
7am: I leap out of bed with all of the enthusiasm I can muster. I am strong. I can do this. I am going to go sugar free, dairy free, gluten free, wheat free. I am Gwyneth. Today is the day that I’m going to start the day with something that isn’t full of sugar. I just need to get the dog to go downstairs and put the chocolate weetabix in the bin. He hasn’t mastered recall yet but I’m sure I can train him to knock a sugary item out of my hand and into the bin. *makes a mental note to call a dog trainer*
11am: I have so many questions. It’s been four hours. Am I thin yet? Why does a diet have to be a lifestyle change? I can’t give up twirls for life. Mmmmm Twirls. Can I use my entire calorie allowance on twirls? Is 11am too early for lunch? Who decided lunch should be at 12 anyway? I’m used to having breakfast, brunch and lunch so I’ve technically already missed a meal. I need a distraction. I lunge to the kitchen to make a green tea. My tea tastes different without biscuits. I throw away the tea.
2.30pm: I begin to realise that I can’t be a blogger without something delicious in my hand at all times. What am I going to instagram if I don’t eat cake? My Instagram is basically a food diary. As is my bank statement for that matter. I should call the bank to make sure they don’t think I’ve been a victim of fraud. They are probably as weirded out by that sparkling water purchase in Tesco as I am. Without cakes to Instagram, does this mean I have to actually be in my pictures now? Is there a Snapchat filter that takes 10lbs off?
4pm: CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE
I spend most of the day wondering how many steps it would take to burn off a tiny sliver of cake. *glances at step counter* Would 75 steps be enough? I do more steps while walking to the fridge to meal prep for the weekend. FYI. Cauliflower rice does not taste like rice. AT ALL. I’ve been lied to. I can’t instagram this. Meal prep results in an avalanche of sad feelings and a small celery cutting injury. This wouldn’t have happened preparing a drifter. I briefly wonder what TV will be like without snacks. A world without sofa snacks is not a world I want to live in.
9pm: TV is abysmal without twirl bites. I spend the evening wondering if I can get a crisp out of the bag on the coffee table without making a rustle sound because if it makes a noise my dog will know I’ve failed my diet on day one and convey this information directly to my husband using only his beady eyes. I cut my losses and go to bed. The last thing I see before closing my eyes is the macros pie chart on My Fitness Pal. It looks like a shiny rainbow cake.
To sum up. DIETING IS HARD. Discuss.
Very funny Remie x